The beginning wasn’t a yes. It was more like a “not now.” And honestly, that was fair. I didn’t push it. If the timing wasn’t right then it wasn’t right. I’d rather wait than convince someone into something they’re not ready for.
When things did start, I noticed stuff. Not in some “I can read your soul” kind of way, more like… I just started paying attention.
Like how she goes quiet sometimes. Not upset-quiet, just… somewhere else. I used to think something was wrong. Now I just let it be. She comes back when she’s ready.
Or how she says yes to everything. Every favor, every invitation. Not because she wants to but because no feels like letting someone down. I’ve started watching for the tiny pause before she agrees. Sometimes I just say “you don’t have to” before she locks herself into something she didn’t want.
And when she says “I don’t know,” it’s almost never actually “I don’t know.” There’s usually a lot more going on in there that she can’t get out yet. Or she wants to say no but can’t bring herself to. I’ve learned to just give it space and let the real answer show up on its own.
I get it wrong too. I still misread things. I still can’t always tell when “I’m fine” is actually fine. I’m figuring it out.
She told me once that she was scared loving someone might pull her away from her faith. Like she’d have to choose between the two. That sat with me for a while. I don’t want her to ever feel that way. I want to be the person who makes that easier, not harder. I don’t know if I’m always doing that. But I’m trying.
There was this one time I told her to just pick what she wanted to eat. No asking if I was okay with it, no checking, just… what do you actually want? And she looked at me like that was the weirdest question. She told me later it was one of the first times she felt like wanting something was enough of a reason. That messed me up a little. It means she spent a long time thinking her own wants needed to be justified.
Her family let me in. That’s not a small thing. That’s years of them looking out for her, and then deciding to trust me with that. I carry that.
I don’t have her all figured out. I probably never will. But I know she carries more than she shows, and she’s so used to being careful and being good that she forgets she’s allowed to just… be.
So yeah. I see her. And I’m not going anywhere.