I saw a story update today. Something casual, nothing special really. But the first thing that came to mind was, “Oh, I didn’t know about that.”
And then, “I used to know about that.”
That one hit different.
We set a boundary recently, me and my partner. Both agreed on it. It was the right call because we both know where this is going, and we don’t want to cross lines we’d regret before getting there the right way. So we pulled back. Less updates, less knowing every little detail about each other’s day.
It’s been about a week.
Before this, I knew a lot. What time she woke up, what she had for lunch, when she was stressed about something, when she was just bored and scrolling. Not because I was keeping tabs or anything. It just happened. We talked all day, every day. That was just how it was.
And now there’s this gap. Not a wall, not a fight, just… less. And I wasn’t ready for how much that “less” would actually weigh.
The boundary made sense when we talked about it. It still makes sense now. This isn’t anyone’s fault and I know that completely. I just didn’t expect this part. The part where doing the right thing also makes you feel anxious as shit.
Because understanding the reason doesn’t fix the feeling, at all. I can rationalize it all day long. “This is temporary.” “This is for the better.” “You both agreed to this.” Yeah cool, my brain gets it. But the rest of me is just sitting here going, damn, this is lonely.
It’s not hurt, exactly. It just… feels alone. And I hate it. Because after finally having someone to share days with, going back to quiet hits different.
I hate that I went from knowing everything to guessing. I hate that the silence bothers me even though I know it shouldn’t. I hate that the right thing feels this uncomfortable.
And honestly? I used to be pretty confident that I’m on the secure side of things. Emotionally stable, not the clingy type, all that. Turns out I just hadn’t been tested enough. Put me in a situation where the updates stop and the silence stretches out, and suddenly I’m reading into every gap. Maybe I’m more of an anxious type than I thought. Cool. Good to know, I guess.
But if the price of doing this right is sitting with some discomfort for a while, then fine. She’s worth way more than whatever my anxiety is trying to tell me right now. So yeah. I’ll sit with it.